Requests Gone Horribly Wrong #3

Every few months..amongst the awesomesauce requests I get, I also get some not so awesome ones. Some that make my face melt off like those damn Nazis in Raiders of The Lost Ark. If you stare to long at those requests you may find out the secret of Pandora’s Box but you will lose your soul. Here is a small sampling….

My book should be funny and make you smile–but if you tell people that (like I’m doing right now) it almost always raises the expectation too high………And I think the world needs more “fun” fmailies. So if you dont enjoy reading about my funny, crazy world then we would have a hard time enjoying each other’s company. I’ll bet that is not the case. 

So what you’re telling me is that the book should be funny but it’s probably not. Also please proofread. PLEASE. You know, I’m not an agent but at least run it through spell check. If your request looks like this tragic mess I’m truly afraid to see what the actual book looks like.

.

….takes readers on a journey through pain, deception and lies, and deeply hidden secrets as Shauna Lee Holt looks for a second chance at love in the sad life she has created by walling herself off from the rest of the world…….She lives a lie and the lie, she hopes, will protect her…..She feels unworthy of his love. How will he feel, she wonders, when he finds out who she really is?

Unless she’s a serial killer, I can’t see what this horrible horrible lie could be. IF she was a serial killer, this might be interesting. This sounds like chick-lit, which I don’t read. Period. The name of the book has the word “RUN” in it. Which I do believe is what I’ll be doing.

.

What happens when the son of high society Boston old money marries the nouveau riche New York daughter of immigrant trades folk? Will there be smooth sailing? Will there be rough waters? Will this union withstand the test of time – or will the two lovers fall victim to the poison of power?….You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be captivated by the characters….

The bigger question is will I care? Which I don’t think I will because I generally don’t read historical romance. If and when I do it better be damn good historical romance. I doubt I’ll be captivated and writers should be barred from the “you’ll laugh, you’ll cry” shtick.

.

When Kitty the beautiful, pampered daughter of a wealthy senator-falls in love……….And our female protagonist is also a warrior in her own right. Kitty is no spoiled, delicate flower-she loves to hunt and fish and ride….richly detailed, well-researched book that examines the lives affected by the Civil War.

So the main female is a pampered,  unspoiled woman? Aren’t most one or the other? This book includes the word BREAST in the title but don’t get your hopes up because I doubt there will be any shown, talked about or hinted at. Again with the historical, this time Civil War. This is no Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter…

.

…thriller follows the increasingly obsessive behavior of a woman out of control with the fantasy of a perfect love that she can never have with a perfect stranger…. He is an unknown man with an unknown name and he is with an unknown woman, but he is the one she wants….readers will need to turn each page of this lean novel quickly to see how its mystery will ultimately resolve….

This is 50 pages…not nearly enough time for any type of character development, esp for a psychological thriller. I need meat in my thrillers. Like a jumbo sandwich full of meat….That’s a lot of meat for those people who don’t understand my meaning. I too often want the perfect life of the perfect person with the perfect family and perfect money and maybe a perfect dog or two….

Until Next Time….

Requests Gone Horribly Wrong #2

It’s time for another addition of Requests Gone Horribly Wrong….. I implore, once again, that authors take the time to actually look at the site they are pitching to. I know you think your book is going to change the face of the writing industry. You’ve wrote The Bible Part Two or something epically awesome, but sending it to every review site your disillusioned eyes see is not going to help your case.

Writing a blurb has got to be difficult, I truly get that but some of these are so horribly written that it makes me want to run for the hills and live like the Amish so you can’t track me down and request anything. If the authors wrote them it leads me to think the entire book is going to wrote like that. If they paid someone to write it for them…well that person should not be allowed near a keyboard.

I do love myself a good book and the blurb has got to be incredibly eye catching to get my attention. These……these blurbs just confuse me. Confuse me a lot.

.

.

Jackson grew up privileged feeling alone, without trust, with little faith in God. With her beliefs deeply rooted in the Christian faith, Chalice introduces her husband to a more spiritual and fulfilling lifestyle while working to gain his trust. They figure out how to rise above self-esteem issues, problems with one another’s grown children and other numerous challenges in order to become an example for others and a testament to the power and love of God.

All I’m reading is there will be no sex…and if anyone calls out OH GOD! It’s won’t be what I want it to be….I don’t read inspirational. Ever. 

….Stuck in the age of Whirlaway, swing dancing, and a peacetime draft, Joel begins a new life as the nation drifts toward war. With the help of his 21-year-old trailblazing grandmother and her friends, he finds his place in a world he knew only from movies and books. But when an opportunity comes to return to the present, Joel must decide whether to leave his new love in the past or choose a course that will alter their lives forever….

Wait is his new love his 21 yr old grandmother or someone else? Dear lord, was Freud around back then? I pray I’m wrong….

Oceana has grown to love only the ocean – surfing and teaching others how to care for the ocean. Things change for her when she meets her younger neighbor, a British professional golfer named Guy. Their meeting is accidental, but it leads to another meeting at the ocean where Oceana takes Guy surfing. Surfing lessons and golf lessons turn into dinner dates and eventually a romance blossoms between the two athletes. Their worlds change when, one night, Oceana doesn’t come home from surfing…………They deeply love completely different sports and yet they come to value, respect and love each other.

Ok, the guy is named GUY and the girl that loves the ocean is named Oceana? How can you get more original then that? Isn’t this a Barbie movie? I swear my 7 yr old has a movie like this…just more original. Also later on it says the type is blue for the book and I’m pretty sure that would give me a migraine. Actually I’m pretty sure the blurb already gave me one. 

But meeting Captain Morgan is more than she counted on because he makes her laugh and shows her that sometimes love comes before duty

Well yes, Captain Morgan makes my clothes fall off too……Please don’t name your characters after things. It’s annoying. 

.

Until next time and there will be a next time…..

Requests Gone Horribly Wrong

I started this book blog back in June 2010. I think, honestly it all blends together now and I’m to lazy to actually look it up. So for the sake of this post, I’m going to say June 2010. So yeah, coming up on two years now. Thank you, thank you..*bowing*. Over the course of those many months I have read a shit-ton of books. Well, a shit-ton for me anyway. I’m not a speed reader by any means. I am the only person that writes here on the blog save for the occasional guest posts or guest reviews.  Because of that, I’m the only one to get the review requests… obviously. Some of those requests sound so awesome that I fall all over myself to say yes. The flip side is the not so good ones. The requests that make it clear that the author didn’t even bother to look at my website before sending me an email I tend to delete within 2 seconds of opening. Here are some of the better ones:

.

.

…….The book follows its protagonist, Senator Casey, a female Labrador Retriever, who must lead an investigation into a series of canine disappearances, all while trying to thwart her main rival, Senator Juniper, a power-hungry Beagle, from usurping her government’s power and bringing her nation to the brink of war……

…..I believe that this book is quite different from any other book about dogs currently available – as I mentioned above, and I think your readers would truly enjoy it. 

Ok for reals? One, this is -I HOPE- a YA and my site clearly says NO YA UNLESS I ASK and two, unless by dogs you mean doggie style…I will pass. I don’t know what part of my website made someone think I would enjoy this but whatever it is someone please tell me so I can delete it. 

.

.

…….In the four years of the Civil War lives were uprooted and torn apart as a new nation was born and a new way of life was brought to the American people. After a final peace ended the conflict between the North and South, the violent assassination of Lincoln punctuated the discord that still remained in the country, and in the west intrepid and legendary men clashed together on lawless trails and Indian battlegrounds…..

I’m sorry what? I nodded off there. Not only does this sound like something I read in high school history class a LONG time ago, but you’ve told me nothing. I want to cut my wrists and bleed out on my keyboard. Believe me when I say the rest wasn’t any better. 

.

.

……..Wrong! ”Book Title here” is something new and altogether different. It is a tacky testimonial to bad hangovers, cigarette burns and anyone who can belch and say their name at the same time. It’s a fist-flavored homage to people who live in seedy double wide trailers, pee in the sink, fish with dynamite and affix yellow ribbons to trees. In short, Book Title Here, is one of the funniest and most unusual love stories every written.

 It’s a tribute to romance, too, but not that prissy Bridges of Madison County kind of stuff. Book Title Here is a white-trash erotic bounce on the bedsprings. It’s a humorous tale of sweaty bodies wedged together in unhindered and unholy union. It’s sex that’s hotter than Ted Nugent’s Biltong Beef Jerky, flamethrower flavor. You’ll need a neck brace after whipping through this wild, whacked-out love story…….

…..sting ray coochie….. – WTF is that??!!  

So you wrote a romance geared toward men and sent it to me…I know you can’t see my boobs in my pic, but I am indeed a woman. I didn’t need a neck brace but I did need a wrist brace after I shut my computer with so much force that I wrenched it. I will send you the bill.

.

.

……Book Title Here is a horror story with a message for those who want to understand God’s apparent absence as the intersection of freewill and choice. It is a story with religious themes written for a secular reader. It is, in the end, a tale about family values–even if they originate in hell.

I’m not in any way very religious. But still….just….no. I will give the author props for either actually reading my guidelines page or at least scanning it enough to tell me he MIGHT have read it. 

.

.

…….If ever there was a rash act to regret, it was murder. Spilling the blood of an English earl ‘twas just as damning, Philandra Connaught had no doubt, as committing the foul deed itself—even if the blood she had drawn had not been the blood she had meant to shed. Sir Thomas is the knight sent to bring her to justice, but is he willing to risk his honour, and mayhap his heart, to champion the wee lass?……
You lost me at wee lass. Author then goes on to want free promo. Apparently she missed the whole, I don’t do promo, on my blog because it’s free and all that mumbo jumbo. 

.

.

…..The amalgam of static, crackling, and brief moments of dead air prevented Michael from clearly hearing the desperate plea being spoken by his friend Beth. Gun, the only word audible, set off an arduous, seemingly circular journey of confusion and half-truths which have governed their entire lives. At 2:30 a.m. late June 2005, the teenagers finally reach their breaking point. In an attempt to escape and find the truth, they come face to face with their own demise. The corruption and lies seem to become tactile entities with the power to shift human consciousness and control the very nature of what is and is not…..

The only confusion I feel is trying to figure out WTH you’re talking about. I might even go as far as saying the confusion I feel is circular. In that when I get back to the beginning I’m still wondering WTH you’re talking about.

.

.

…… best described as an autobiographical, mocumentary expose, written from the perspective of a 3000 year old vampire.

“For centuries the debate has raged; are vampires real?  There has been plenty of myth and superstition regarding vampires but not alot of truth or answers.  In a unique piece of work, Bektamun a 3000 year old vampire, puts to rest all the myth and finally reveals the truth about the legendary creatures known across the globe as vampires.

This is convenient because just the other day I said to hubs “I hope someone sends me a mocumentary of a vampire because I would read the shit out of that”

.

.

Promotion is a hard thing. I totally understand that. I do, I get it. I’m sure lining up reviews is a hard thing to do, especially for a new author or just one the masses aren’t familiar with. Submitting your book to review sites that don’t read your genre won’t really garner you any publicity. At least positive publicity.  Throwing the word romance in your request also insults my intelligence. Instead of taking 30 min to email 5 sites that won’t like your book, research the sites and take 45 min to send it to 5 sites that will. You’ll get better results, I promise you.