Requests Gone Horribly Wrong

I started this book blog back in June 2010. I think, honestly it all blends together now and I’m to lazy to actually look it up. So for the sake of this post, I’m going to say June 2010. So yeah, coming up on two years now. Thank you, thank you..*bowing*. Over the course of those many months I have read a shit-ton of books. Well, a shit-ton for me anyway. I’m not a speed reader by any means. I am the only person that writes here on the blog save for the occasional guest posts or guest reviews.  Because of that, I’m the only one to get the review requests… obviously. Some of those requests sound so awesome that I fall all over myself to say yes. The flip side is the not so good ones. The requests that make it clear that the author didn’t even bother to look at my website before sending me an email I tend to delete within 2 seconds of opening. Here are some of the better ones:

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…….The book follows its protagonist, Senator Casey, a female Labrador Retriever, who must lead an investigation into a series of canine disappearances, all while trying to thwart her main rival, Senator Juniper, a power-hungry Beagle, from usurping her government’s power and bringing her nation to the brink of war……

…..I believe that this book is quite different from any other book about dogs currently available – as I mentioned above, and I think your readers would truly enjoy it. 

Ok for reals? One, this is -I HOPE- a YA and my site clearly says NO YA UNLESS I ASK and two, unless by dogs you mean doggie style…I will pass. I don’t know what part of my website made someone think I would enjoy this but whatever it is someone please tell me so I can delete it. 

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…….In the four years of the Civil War lives were uprooted and torn apart as a new nation was born and a new way of life was brought to the American people. After a final peace ended the conflict between the North and South, the violent assassination of Lincoln punctuated the discord that still remained in the country, and in the west intrepid and legendary men clashed together on lawless trails and Indian battlegrounds…..

I’m sorry what? I nodded off there. Not only does this sound like something I read in high school history class a LONG time ago, but you’ve told me nothing. I want to cut my wrists and bleed out on my keyboard. Believe me when I say the rest wasn’t any better. 

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……..Wrong! “Book Title here” is something new and altogether different. It is a tacky testimonial to bad hangovers, cigarette burns and anyone who can belch and say their name at the same time. It’s a fist-flavored homage to people who live in seedy double wide trailers, pee in the sink, fish with dynamite and affix yellow ribbons to trees. In short, Book Title Here, is one of the funniest and most unusual love stories every written.

 It’s a tribute to romance, too, but not that prissy Bridges of Madison County kind of stuff. Book Title Here is a white-trash erotic bounce on the bedsprings. It’s a humorous tale of sweaty bodies wedged together in unhindered and unholy union. It’s sex that’s hotter than Ted Nugent’s Biltong Beef Jerky, flamethrower flavor. You’ll need a neck brace after whipping through this wild, whacked-out love story…….

…..sting ray coochie….. – WTF is that??!!  

So you wrote a romance geared toward men and sent it to me…I know you can’t see my boobs in my pic, but I am indeed a woman. I didn’t need a neck brace but I did need a wrist brace after I shut my computer with so much force that I wrenched it. I will send you the bill.

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……Book Title Here is a horror story with a message for those who want to understand God’s apparent absence as the intersection of freewill and choice. It is a story with religious themes written for a secular reader. It is, in the end, a tale about family values–even if they originate in hell.

I’m not in any way very religious. But still….just….no. I will give the author props for either actually reading my guidelines page or at least scanning it enough to tell me he MIGHT have read it. 

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…….If ever there was a rash act to regret, it was murder. Spilling the blood of an English earl ‘twas just as damning, Philandra Connaught had no doubt, as committing the foul deed itself—even if the blood she had drawn had not been the blood she had meant to shed. Sir Thomas is the knight sent to bring her to justice, but is he willing to risk his honour, and mayhap his heart, to champion the wee lass?……
You lost me at wee lass. Author then goes on to want free promo. Apparently she missed the whole, I don’t do promo, on my blog because it’s free and all that mumbo jumbo. 

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…..The amalgam of static, crackling, and brief moments of dead air prevented Michael from clearly hearing the desperate plea being spoken by his friend Beth. Gun, the only word audible, set off an arduous, seemingly circular journey of confusion and half-truths which have governed their entire lives. At 2:30 a.m. late June 2005, the teenagers finally reach their breaking point. In an attempt to escape and find the truth, they come face to face with their own demise. The corruption and lies seem to become tactile entities with the power to shift human consciousness and control the very nature of what is and is not…..

The only confusion I feel is trying to figure out WTH you’re talking about. I might even go as far as saying the confusion I feel is circular. In that when I get back to the beginning I’m still wondering WTH you’re talking about.

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…… best described as an autobiographical, mocumentary expose, written from the perspective of a 3000 year old vampire.

For centuries the debate has raged; are vampires real?  There has been plenty of myth and superstition regarding vampires but not alot of truth or answers.  In a unique piece of work, Bektamun a 3000 year old vampire, puts to rest all the myth and finally reveals the truth about the legendary creatures known across the globe as vampires.

This is convenient because just the other day I said to hubs “I hope someone sends me a mocumentary of a vampire because I would read the shit out of that”

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Promotion is a hard thing. I totally understand that. I do, I get it. I’m sure lining up reviews is a hard thing to do, especially for a new author or just one the masses aren’t familiar with. Submitting your book to review sites that don’t read your genre won’t really garner you any publicity. At least positive publicity.  Throwing the word romance in your request also insults my intelligence. Instead of taking 30 min to email 5 sites that won’t like your book, research the sites and take 45 min to send it to 5 sites that will. You’ll get better results, I promise you.

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6 thoughts on “Requests Gone Horribly Wrong

  1. omg! sorry but this was hilarious! I know how frustrating it is when you get sent requests that are totally crazy and not mentioned in your review policy.

    Boooooo.
    Great post. Gave me the giggles :D

  2. Nikki, I just love it when you actually post (I mean other than a review). You crack me up! I get your blogs in my email, so I don’t venture over often, but I do read them. And just from reading the kind of reviews that you do, I’d know instantly that these weren’t a good match. :) Keep me giggling, girl!

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